Nostalgia

Someone rather important to me just celebrated a birthday - a milestone birthday. In the spirit of disclosure, this someone is an ex. An ex-ex to be exact, if that is in fact an exacting statement. You know what I mean. If not, humor me. This birthday of said ex-ex has gotten me very nostalgic. It's got me thinking back to that last milestone, ten years past (now that I'm marking life in decades - oy!). More to the point, it got me to thinking how quickly these last ten years have elapsed, yet how much has happened in that capsule of time.

Ten years ago we celebrated another of his milestones with a whopper of a party, orchestrated by yours truly and enjoyed by approximately 50 of our closest friends. We'd just bought our house, gotten engaged, and began to set up a life together - a supposed forever life. Don't get me wrong, I do not wish for things to be different. I'm not trying to turn back time, or get any part of that life back - or anyone back for that matter. As I approach a milestone myself I just can't help but wonder where the hell the last ten years went. And how I went from being a youngish new bride to a kinda-but-not-really youngish single mother of two (wonderful) kids. Had I known all that would happen, would I have followed this path? I like to think yes, but in truth I don't know. Would I knowingly sign up for all the pain of the last few years in exchange for the joys that have come in return? I wouldn't wish my children away for the world, and to say no would in effect wish them away. But in the harsh light of reality, looking closely in the mirror and asking myself "Would you?", I have to admit there's a pause, a reflection inside that extra beat, that comes before the affirmation.

And now, less than one month from turning 40, I think about my ex-ex and his milestone. I think about the little stone and stucco house we shared and all the creatures who once inhabited it - all of them now gone from either this Earth or my life. There is a longing for the girl I was. A desire to sit her down and have a long chat over a strong cup of coffee. A wish to prepare the not-yet-30-year-old me for the turmoil of the next 10 years (of course there was joy too, but no one needs to be prepared for joy, oddly enough). A time traveler's wish to tell my youngish self that I'll survive, and emerge beautifully and grow into my not-so-much-but-still-sorta youngish self - and maybe not so many tears need to be shed along the way. In thinking about it, I can admit that I've lost so much, including chunks of myself and my soul, during these last 10 years. But then I gained so much more than I ever thought I'd have. Last week I called my ex-ex to wish him a happy birthday. We've promised to get together to celebrate the anniversaries of our birth and herald our pending decay and decrepitation. And when we do, we'll not look back, but ahead. Well, we may glance over our shoulders a bit. That's the thing about the past - it's a nice place to visit, but you can't stay long.